A Tale of Happily Ever Afters
by Yamino Majo
Summary: The exorcists missed the day that they handed out happy endings, but Fate conspires to force some on them anyway. No major warnings except for crack and language. Ch.1 aka: In Which Kanda Despairs of Dying in Peace.


The Tale of Happily Ever Afters

Notes: Have some warnings too: this is pseudo everything - pseudo crack, pseudo humor, completely made up science in parts, and KOMURIN. Oh, and heat-guided tranquilizer missiles. It was my response to myself after writing a melancholy death-fic, go figure. Probably rated around PG-13 for Kanda, in general. Much thanks to Althea SaDiablo (Thea-san) for beta-ing!

Ch.1 aka: In which Kanda despairs of dying in peace.

--

Kanda Yuu was screaming.

Now, considering that during the course of his admittedly short (but still 21 and change, which was not insignificant) years, he had gone through horrors and pain and torture of the likes not known to normal men, this was somewhat strange. Kanda had faced down the Akuma, the Noah, the Earl, and occasionally even Linali's cooking, with nary a change of expression other than an eyebrow twitch. He had seen and done some pretty awful things without shedding a tear, and he had gone through a lot of physical agony - wounds that would have killed anyone ten times over.

He also accepted the fact that his life expectancy was probably not much better than a 70-year-old man's (one that chain smoked, drank, and didn't touch fruits or vegetables with a ten foot stick). Those were just the cold, hard facts about the pact that he had made, and he was adult enough to face up to the consequences.

And through all that, he never let out a single scream. So the fact that he was doing so now, when the war was over, the Earl defeated, the Noah dead, and the Akuma soon to be found only in Lavi's Hidden History, was more than a little odd.

If one listened carefully, eventually the screaming became interspersed with words (most of which are not to be repeated in any company, proper or not). There were other voices too, rising in volume until probably half the Order could hear the discussion taking place.

Imagine this: near the middle of the inner training level of the new Dark Order Headquarters, there was something best described as a writhing morass of several bodies. Closer inspection would reveal that it was in fact, composed of several Exorcists (Kanda Yuu, Allen Walker, Lavi) and scientists (the most noteworthy of which was Johnny). In addition to screaming and profanities (and occasionally screaming profanities), Kanda was also kicking, scratching, biting and generally trying to kill the other exorcists and scientists, who were trying just as adamantly to hold him down.

The reason why he was having so little success in his attempts at homicide could be attributed to Linali Li, who had effectively made off with Mugen minutes prior. The reason why Kanda was fighting so hard despite somewhat trusting those trying to hold him was because there was a twenty foot tall mechanical robot fast closing on their location.

He had resigned himself to whatever came, but 'whatever came' did not include any time spent in the capacity of a Komurin. Just, NO. He'd rather DIE.

"IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT, WE PROMISE!" Allen was bellowing, using Crown Clown to try and immobilize Kanda's arms. This only succeeded in tying up the said appendage and whoever was hanging onto it at the time.

"TRAITORS!" Kanda yelled back, cracking two of the scientists' heads together. "VILE, DIRTY TRAITORS!"

Komurin XXI glided to a smooth stop and sensor beams started shooting from its one eye. "Searching for Target..." it intoned.

"CALM DOWN, YUU!!" Lavi was attached to Kanda's left leg, already bruised and with bandanna askew. "WE'RE TRYING TO HELP!"

Kanda tried to break Lavi's kneecap. Thankfully, the angle was all wrong.

"Target Lock-on." Komurin beeped, and then it opened its 'mouth' area (which also had an over-the-door label of 'surgery room') and robotic arms came out, metal fingers wiggling with anticipation. It picked up the struggling pile of bodies, placed them on an extended platform that came out of a leg-stilt, and started picking out the undesirables--its prime directive had nothing on what to do with the Science Department members, for one.

Kanda had not survived this long for being slow on his feet. When the robotic appendage came for him, he grabbed Allen by the scruff of his neck and shoved the white-haired exorcist into the grasping hand. Then he tripped Lavi and leapt out of the reach of the bastard child of Komui's insanity and the Dark Order's technology, making a run for the door.

It might have worked too, if Komurin XXI hadn't been equipped with guided tranquilizer darts (just what the hell was Komui blowing the Order's R&D budget on?!). Too late, Kanda realized leaving his back to the enemy was a bad idea as he felt a prick against his neck. The last thing he saw was Komui walking toward him, Komurin rolling up behind him.

"Everything will turn out just fine." Komui cooed. If Kanda could have moved, he would have screamed again.

--

"Will he be okay?" Lavi asked quietly as the unconscious (and heavily sedated, more for the safety of others than his own) Kanda tossed and turned in his infirmary bed. Allen had been somewhat miffed when Komui promptly had Komurin deposit Mugen's conformer in the infirmary - what they really needed wasn't Kanda, but Kanda's lotus. Still, it didn't hurt to have Kanda in a state that rendered him incapable of coming after them once he discovered they _had _his lotus, so all the bruises and scratches and general getting beaten up was worth it.

"He should be fine. We'll get started on the procedure immediately now that he's out of commission." Komui said, his smile some cross between fond-older-brother and mad-genius-scientist. Linali came into the room, exchanged a smile with her brother, and went to Kanda's bedside. She took one of his hands and gently folded his fingers around the cool metal of Mugen's sheath.

Allen and Lavi jumped back instinctively out of Mugen-range in absolute horror (having experienced Kanda's ability to draw and slice without really being awake before), but Linali just chuckled.

"Don't worry," she said brightly, "he's still out and will stay that way for awhile. He just sleeps better with Mugen in his hands." Indeed, Kanda had quieted down and was sleeping like a baby. Mugen as a security blanket, who knew?

"Do I want to know how she knows that?" Allen asked under his breath.

"I don't think I do." Lavi muttered back.

--

When Kanda opened his eyes again, sunlight was streaming through the windows and he blinked blearily. There was a familiar and comforting weight in his hands. Even though there really wasn't a need to be battle ready at any instant anymore, he was glad that he had Mugen.

In fact, there was something about Mugen...

_"Kanda, the Science Department is updating the stats on everyone's Innocence. Let me borrow Mugen for a bit."_

He bolted upright. Linali! And then Komurin and Komui! He glanced down at Mugen but then why did they give it back?

A quick glance around told him that he was in the infirmary, alone. There were soft voices coming from the nurses' station, but their cadences were slow and lazy. Stealthily, he slipped out of bed and made it out of the door without being detected.

Once he was outside, he made a beeline for Komui's office. Finders, cleaning staff, and other exorcists practically fell over themselves to get out of his way - after all, when Kanda Yuu was smiling in anticipation of bloody and satisfying revenge, you didn't want to accidentally draw his attention, lest the violence be turned on you.

--

Komui was not in his office, so Kanda terrorized one of the support staff into revealing the Head Officer's location. From the frightened stutterings, Kanda also gleaned that the rest of the vile traitors were with his soon-to-be-deceased supervisor. Perfect.

Unfortunately, the B17 level housing Komui's labs was not well lit, and while he could hear voices, they were muffled and echoed oddly, forcing him to go slowly to check each door (labeled rather gruesomely in Roman numerals with what looked like blood, but was in fact just plain ol' red paint engineered to mimic every aspect of blood. Komui liked messing with people's heads a little TOO much).

"...a success!...the temporal...energy transfer..." That was Komui, in his mad-scientist tone.

Allen's voice said something, sounding doubtful. Kanda patted Mugen, promising it a nice taste of Beansprout blood soon.

"...temporal whatizit?" that was Lavi. "...works...how...?"

There was a muffled ring, and then Linali's voice, worried. "...nurses...Kanda..."

Kanda tilted his head slightly at door #XIII. It sounded like the voices were coming from inside, so he took a few steps back...and kicked the door in.

"EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk!" Komui and a handful of scientists shrieked like little girls. Linali spun around, Boots activating, and Lavi turned his hammer battle-sized as the scientists cowered behind Allen. Kanda smiled and drew Mugen.

"Who wants to die first?" he asked pleasantly.

--

Linali wished she had the time to turn around and kick her brother in the head, but she had to keep an eye on Mugen instead. Behind her, the Head Officer of the Dark Order was whining.

"Kanda-kun, you're such an ungrateful git!" Komui huffed. "After all we've done for you, you want to kill us? You're so mean!"

_I don't think 'mean' is the word for it_...thought all the exorcists in the room.

Kanda smiled, and it was still very pleasant. In fact, it was _because_ it was such a pleasant expression that it made everyone with an iota of sense (ruling out Komui) want to run away screaming. In fact, it became EVEN MORE PLEASANT when his eyes went past Komui to the contraption in the middle of the room, a horrific glass tube-thing with wires and pipes and cables coming out of it. "You steal Mugen," the aforementioned anti-Akuma weapon gleamed in the light, "Set Komurin and the stupid rabbit and beansprout on me," Allen protested with an indignant, 'I'm not a beansprout!', which was ignored, "and you. Stole. My. Lotus." The flower – well, the stem with its one petal, actually- floated serenely in the test tube the size of a train-car.

"We can explain, Yuu!" Lavi said nervously. "Just give us a second!"

"No," Kanda said, still smiling, except now it wasn't pleasant anymore, just scary. "I think I'll kill you now."

Just as Linali shifted her weight - she knew all Kanda's favorite starting attacks and from her position could block most of them - her brother yelled, "Hit the red button, Johnny!!"

And Johnny, bless or curse his geeky little heart, did.

--

Kanda was fairly sure that his heart never actually exploded in his chest before, though Tyki Mikk had tried physically removing it a few times. But that was what it felt like when Johnny pushed the big red button (why did it always have to be red buttons? Why couldn't it ever be a plain black one?). Everything was perfectly cliché his heart exploded in his chest, the world went white and he was sure he died.

If that was the case, Hell was a noisy place.

"Oh my god, ohmygodohmygod you killed Kanda!!"

"I didn't mean to, the boss told me to push the button!"

"Why is it set on 'high'?! Who set it on high?! This is an experimental setup, what idiot put it on 'high'?!"

Hell apparently still housed people from the Science Department. Just his luck.

"Put him here," that was Linali, and Kanda pondered what particular brand of Hell would include Linali Li. Most people would say that there was no way such a lovely, sweet girl could be in any part of Hell, and he must have ended up in Heaven instead. Those people obviously did not comprehend how fully evil anyone bearing the name of Li could be.

"He's not dead, is he?" That was the beansprout, and Kanda could fully appreciate why HE might be in Hell. There were hands touching him - feeling for a pulse.

"He can't be dead!"

Kanda felt a satisfying impact against his fist. Judging from the yelp, he had managed to clock Lavi a pretty good one. "What the fuck?" he croaked when he opened his eyes.

Linali was a bit blurry, but he could see that she was giving him a disapproving look nonetheless. "That wasn't nice, Kanda."

"By DOSE!" Lavi wailed.

"I didn't hit you THAT hard," Kanda growled.

"Definitely not dead," Allen muttered.

"No thanks to - what the hell was that?!" For the second time that day, Kanda bolted upright. The second time was not nearly as pleasant as the first though, because he got a horrible head-rush and almost fell over again.

Linali and Lavi, by virtue of being the closest, grabbed him. "Allen-kun," Linali said sweetly, "Can you go tell my brother that Kanda's awake? I think he'd best explain things."

Lavi was holding his face with his free hand. "Before he hits anyone else," he added.

"I'm going to strangle you," Kanda informed Lavi.

"You can strangle me later," Lavi said in a patronizing tone. "When you can sit up without falling right back down - OW!"

"_Boys._" Linali gave them the Look.

Kanda stared right back. "This better be good," he muttered.

--

"...what?"

Komui pushed up his glasses. "As I said, upon extensive study of temporal physics and meta-etherical osmosis-"

"In ENGLISH," Kanda snapped, and when Komui opened his mouth to declare that he WAS speaking English, he amended with, "In normal _human _English."

There was a chorus of "Hey, we're human!" from the scientists, and Komui rolled his eyes.

"Just look, then," he said, pointing toward the oversized glass tube. Kanda followed the direction of his finger, and his eyes widened at the sight.

The lotus floated in the water, as serene as it ever was. With three petals...when he was certain there had only been one before, and one that was withering, at that.

"...how?" he croaked.

Komui started explaining. The scientists nodded along, occasionally offering input. The exorcists present all immediately affected a glazed look. "...oh, never mind," Komui huffed. "You lot wouldn't understand the details. In short, we've figured out a way to stuff life energy _back_ into your lotus, since we couldn't figure out how to break the original curse."

"Life energy?" Allen yelped.

"Whose?!" Lavi demanded.

"How is that even possible?!" Kanda growled.

Komui heaved a long suffering sigh. "NO ONE's life energy," he answered Lavi and Allen first. "It was a complicated process, but we've a general conversion equation down for changing the normal sorts of energy we do have to the kind that humans can actually use. And as for you, Kanda-kun, it's possible because a lot of people worked very hard to figure out how to do it, and nothing is impossible when you have enough mad scientists in the room."

A hand squeezed his and Kanda looked down to see Linali smiling from his shoulder.

"...what's the catch?" Kanda finally said, after he thought he'd sort of gotten his brain around the 'the Science Department actually does work' part. "There has to be a catch. You don't just run around giving out life energy."

"We don't," Komui agreed. "It's one of our projects because it has enormous implications for the advancement of medical technology if we can get it to work outside of our binding constraints, which are the facts that there needs to be a life-sucking curse in the first place, and that the energy conversion is grossly inefficient." He pushed up his glasses and they glinted eerily. "It's already amazing that it works at all, with these constraints. But," and the frivolity usually in his tone dropped dead away, "this is not a cure-all, Kanda-kun. If you get injured, your tattoo will still drain your life to heal you. Those petals will still wither. We've brought you some time, but not much."

Allen was fairly sure he had never seen Kanda have so many expressions in such rapid succession, including the 'I have just been smacked in the face with a rubber hammer' one. He supposed it was somewhat of a shock, and understandably so. Linali was beaming though, and so was Lavi, and he was feeling somewhat relieved, himself. Sure, he'd probably die (or kill Kanda himself) if they were stuck on a deserted island together somewhere with no one else for company, but Kanda was a fellow exorcist, and Linali had rubbed off on him. Kanda was also a piece of his world now.

"Che." Kanda finally wrestled his face back into a semblance of his normal, cold expression. "Whatever."

"Any time is good time," Lavi chirped. "This means more birthday parties, Yuu!"

"That is the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard," Kanda muttered.

And that is the tale of how Kanda despaired of dying in peace.

--

End

edit: lost some dashes with the initial upload that I just now noticed. I hope I got all of them...


End file.
